The following is a transcript from an interview that has never happened. Any likeness to any actual interview that has happened is purely coincidental and awesome. These questions did not really come from Barbara Walters, aka Babs, but they very well could have. In fact, since learning today that attachment parents are avant garde and radical, I totally expect Babs to fly to my home and interview me. I hope she can fit me in somewhere between Justin Bieber and Putin.
Babs: It is so nice of you to fit me into your busy and radical parenting schedule.
Me: Yeah, well it was a challenge. Ever since Mayim Bialik wrote her book, went on your show and outed all of us extreme parents it has been very difficult to find free time to do anything. I haven’t had time to breastfeed while juggling knives and making Ryan Gosling birth memes in weeks. By the way, let’s hurry up. I have Oprah in a few hours.
Babs: Of course. Trust me, I know what it is like to work a tight schedule. With the show and meeting with crazy world dictators that are mentally unstable..
Me: Babs, seriously, you are boring me? Let’s talk about something radical that I do instead. Ok?
Babs: Yes. I was only trying to share my opinion on…
Me: Babs, I already read Audition. This isn’t The View. I am a parenting elitist. <Makes hand gestures.>
Babs: What did you just do?
Me: Baby sign language for hurry up….in Mandarin. I felt like you weren’t understanding me because I am so avant garde and stuff.
Babs: What is it like to be such a radical parent?
Me: Radical. Next question.
Babs: I have recently learned that many attached parents wear their babies in slings instead of using a stroller…
Me: Don’t ever say stroller in my house.
Babs: Oh, um, do attached parents hate strollers?
Me: You just said it, again.
Babs: Um, do your people not use chairs on wheels to transport your children?
Me: My people? How insulting. Do you have any idea how radical and elite I am?
Babs: Moving on, in my interview with Mayim Bialik…
Me: <Stands up an salutes a baby sling on a nearby hook>
Babs: Um, what did you just do?
Me: You mentioned my Mayim Bialik. She is my radical, avant garde, elitist, attachment parenting leader.
Babs: I see. Kind of. Well, she does not share a bed with her husband. She allows her children to share her bed, and I just cannot understand where she has sex.
Me: That sounds like a personal problem of yours. Once again, this interview is all about you.
Babs: Well, I just mean where do attachment style parents have sex?
Me: All over the place. Except the bed. A bed is for sleeping. A kitchen counter is for banging. A couch is for getting it on. You know how it works.
Babs: Actually, I don’t.
Me: That is because you are not avant garde. You can’t get me. You may be able to understand the Menendez brothers or Castro, but I am way too abstract for you to understand.
Babs: Oh, well, you may be right.
Me: I am. See, you can’t get me. Now, I am sorry, but I have to end this interview. I have some very radical parenting things to do.
Babs: Can I watch?
Me: I don’t know if you can handle it. I plan on taking a nap next to my baby.
Babs: Well, Fidel Castro did let me hold his gun as he drove me to his secret hideout.
Me: Oooh, dangerous. Seriously, I am about to sleep for at least half an hour next to my baby…and I might breastfeed him too.
Babs: I see. You are right. Very extreme. Well, before I go, do you think we could talk about those Milwaukee co sleeping ads?
Me: No, I am saving that for Nightline or possibly Oprah.
Babs: Well, it was lovely to meet you, and I appreciate your time.
Me: I’m sure it was. Now excuse me while I put on my sling.
Me: Enough with the sleep, Babs. I am tired of discussing my sex life with you. Seriously, go get it on in the kitchen.
It’s so hard being edgy, extreme, radical and avant garde. But seriously, are attachment parents really so bizarre?