My husband and I are entering the beginning phases of kind of maybe sorta purchasing a home. And I added in all of that uncertainty because this shit is seriously more stressful than having a baby, sitting as a nude still life model for an art class, or allowing my five year old to shave my head while blindfolded. Some days I am through the moon excited and other days I feel like I am running a crack ring off of skid row. But this bipolar adventure has brought a new kind of fabulous comedy in my life that is called House Hunters, or House Hunters International when I am in the mood for some patchouli and exotic awesomeness.
On this show, 90% of the people have enough money to buy baby panthers to guard their new home- a home so big my entire family could live in just one closet with room to spare. And every single future home owner, be they poor as shit or rich as piss, have the same exact wants.
1. Large open concept floor plan.
2. Granite counter tops.
3. Big kitchen.
4. At least 3 bedrooms.
5. Hardwood floors.
I use to think that I wanted my children to go into a field like medicine or reality television so that they could make tons of money and buy me a French masseur who was a little liberal with his hands. But now I just want my kids to learn how to make wood floors and granite counter tops because that is where the Kardashian money is at!
This show is not meant to be a comedy. It is meant to be…um…well…it is kind of like the peanuts that you get on an airplane; nice, unexpected and probably unnecessary. But this show is a comedy because of the shit that the future homeowners want/say on this show. And so without further ado, here is my top ten list of first world problems as told by House Hunters.
1. This finished basement is really nice, but I think it might just be a little too finished for my husband to use as a man cave.
Because everybody knows that real man caves are made out of stacked gasoline cans, steel and Chuck Norris blood. But the crown molding is a nice touch.
2. We want a house that we can really fix up and make our own. We want to put the “sweat equity” into a home. But this home, is just too much of a fixer upper and would require a little too much sweat.
In other words, just give me a few rooms to paint and perhaps a bathroom with a squeaky door to fix while I wear a headband.
3. We want a home with a lake and a fenced in backyard. Would we be able to fence in the lake?
Yes, and you may also fence in all of the fishermen and use them as Ken dolls in your life size Barbie dream house.
4. We want new construction, but we don’t want to listen to homes being built while we are in our home. Do you know if other homes are still going to be built here?
No, actually when the developer heard that you were moving in he decided to quit building forever. You are that big of a deal. He is also naming his dog after you.
5. This paint is hideous. It is a total deal breaker. (Walks to a new house.) I love that the entire home is white, and we could paint it whatever we wanted.
Because everybody knows that only white walls can be painted…on Wednesday while playing Billy Idol’s White Wedding.
6. I want a big open concept floor plan with a separate formal living room and dining room.
Do you always speak in riddles?
7. We want an old house with lots of character. But we would like it to have an updated kitchen, bathrooms and living space.
So you basically want Betty White with Mila Kunis’ body?
8. I’m downsizing. Nothing bigger than 2000 square feet for my cat and me.
Is your cat a cheetah?
9. I want something in the heart of the city, but I don’t want my neighbors to be able to look in my windows.
Perhaps you could moon them every time they walk by? I would stop looking out my window if all I ever saw was an ass.
10. I want a home where all of my family can fit, but I really only want to clean one or two bathrooms max.
Would your family be offended if you asked them to poop in the closet?