If you have kids or ever plan on having kids, at some point those kids are probably going to want to to to a park. Or at some point, your kids are going to begin doing Chuck Norris style ninja kicks off your sofa and into your wall, and you are going to have this great epiphany and say:
“Let’s go to park and get some fresh air.”
But what you are really going to be thinking is…
“Time to unleash my little beasts from their cage!”
Whatever comes out of your mouth, there is something you need to know when you make this decision to go to the park. It is kind of like Fight Club. There are rules and shit. No, these rules are not posted on a sign because we don’t talk about the rules about the park. But now, we have to talk about these rules. Because there are too many damn doorknobs taking their kids to the park without the FAINTEST FREAKING IDEA about park rules.
So, I’m about to tell you about the rules of what we will know refer to as park club. And the unofficial rule number one of park club, which we’ll call zero rule, is that I get to personally unleash a can of mommy whoop as on your lame ass if you don’t follow these mother freaking rules. Recognize.
rule #1 of Park Club
The park is not cheap day care.
Watch your kid you lazy ass.
Just do it.
If you don’t, zero rule goes into full effect, biyotch!
rule #2 of Park Club
Play with your damn kid.
Push the swing. Play tag. And chase the freakin’ ball.
Don’t be a dipshit.
I’m serious about zero rule.
rule # 3 of Park Club
Don’t yell at your kid for being a kid.
Your kid is going to get dirty. He might even eat dirt. He’ll survive.
Maybe if you ate some dirt you wouldn’t be so damn uptight.
Boom. Boom. Pow. Pow. Zero rule.
rule #4 of Park Club
Don’t let your kid act like a jackhole.
Don’t let him push, bully, or in general act a fool.
And I realize your kid might get that behavior from you, so I might let him slide.
But I’m going all stink eye and loud mouth on your ass. Zero.
rule # 5 of Park Club
Get off your damn smart phone, idiot!
Save Facebook, Pinterest and Angry Birds for your morning deuce.
You’re at the freaking park. Practice some eye contact.
And if you don’t put the phone down, you’ll never see my roundhouse kick coming.
So now you have the unofficial Park Club rules. It’s a big freaking deal. I don’t want to play with other people’s kids, no matter how cute they are. I don’t want to worry about unleashing whoop ass on stupid people who don’t pay attention to their kids. Play with your kids at the park and nobody gets hurt.