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Rule #1 of Park Club: THE PARK IS NOT A DAYCARE

Posted by on February 4, 2012

If you have kids or ever plan on having kids, at some point those kids are probably going to want to to to a park.  Or at some point, your kids are going to begin doing Chuck Norris style ninja kicks off your sofa and into your wall, and you are going to have this great epiphany and say:

“Let’s go to park and get some fresh air.”

But what you are really going to be thinking is…

“Time to unleash my little beasts from their cage!”

Whatever comes out of your mouth, there is something you need to know when you make this decision to go to the park.  It is kind of like Fight Club.  There are rules and shit.  No, these rules are not posted on a sign because we don’t talk about the rules about the park.  But now, we have to talk about these rules.  Because there are too many damn doorknobs taking their kids to the park without the FAINTEST FREAKING IDEA about park rules.

So,  I’m about to tell you about the rules of what we will know refer to as park club.  And the unofficial rule number one of park club, which we’ll call zero rule, is that I get to personally unleash a can of mommy whoop as on your lame ass if you don’t follow these mother freaking rules.  Recognize.

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rule #1 of Park Club

The park is not cheap day care.

Watch your kid you lazy ass.

Just do it.

 If you don’t, zero rule goes into full effect, biyotch!

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rule #2 of Park Club

Play with your damn kid.

Push the swing. Play tag. And chase the freakin’ ball.

Don’t be a dipshit.

I’m serious about zero rule.

rule # 3 of Park Club

Don’t yell at your kid for being a kid.

Your kid is going to get dirty.  He might even eat dirt. He’ll survive.

Maybe if you ate some dirt you wouldn’t be so damn uptight.

Boom. Boom. Pow. Pow. Zero rule.

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rule #4 of Park Club

Don’t let your kid act like a jackhole.

Don’t let him push, bully, or in general act a fool.

And I realize your kid might get that behavior from you, so I might let him slide.

But I’m going all stink eye and loud mouth on your ass. Zero.


rule # 5 of Park Club

Get off your damn smart phone, idiot!

Save Facebook, Pinterest and Angry Birds for your morning deuce.

You’re at the freaking park.  Practice some eye contact.

And if you don’t put the phone down, you’ll never see my roundhouse kick coming.

Hi Mom. I'm on the swings. Stop pinning shit.

So now you have the unofficial Park Club rules.  It’s a big freaking deal.  I don’t want to play with other people’s kids, no matter how cute they are.  I don’t want to worry about unleashing whoop ass on stupid people who don’t pay attention to their kids. Play with your kids at the park and nobody gets hurt.

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willowwoman 6 pts

....and I agree - eye contact, engage with your child, and don't let them act like a jackhole!

willowwoman 6 pts

as a first time mum to a 1 year old, in the last few months I have wondered about such rules - and I appreciate you posting them in kick ass style :)

I had this experience at the park with my lil boy. 2 girls about 3 and 5 were 'dropped off' inside the gate by who I assume was their mum. The youngest asked to be pushed on the swing, and some other mothers started backing away and looked at me and said, 'i don't want to touch another persons child'....

It really surprised me......I think mainly because I hadn't considered the protocols of parks and the fact that the age of litigation has infiltrated even our children's parks....yes I am a cynic, but i can also see where those mums are coming from - they didn't want someone else's kid to be hurt on their watch....yeah, its perhaps as you say - its not their watch..

I ended up asking the older sister to push her sister and it kept them happy for a while, why I snuck off to check out the ducks outside the fence with my son...

I must admit, I walked away a little disheartened...cos you know, whats a little push?

But I also walked away thinking - right, I gotta get my park manifesto happening...and yeah, the park isn't a daycare. You just feel for those kids.

cbplaner 16 pts moderator

willowwoman I completely understand where you are coming from. Yesterday, I grabbed a kid by the arm so that another child riding a bike wouldn't pummel him, and the kid that I grabbed freaked out. I probably would too if there was some strangle lady grabbing me. At that point I was pissed, not at the child, but at the fact that here I am saving some other kid while his parents play on their damn phones! If he got hurt because I yanked him and fell or if I dropped the baby in my arm, I would be the perfect example of no good deed goes unpunished!

KimberlyOberklaus 7 pts

How about one where you are actually physically AT the park and are watching your kids instead of letting them wander over there themselves and letting them run around all crazy?!

cbplaner 16 pts moderator

KimberlyOberklaus I think I spend more time worrying about other kids at the park than I do my own dang kids!