My mother once told me a story about her mother never letting her stay out past 11 pm or maybe midnight when she was in high school. It had something to do with my grandmother’s belief that anybody staying out beyond that time was just staying out to have sex. One day, my mother informed her mother that people could have sex at any time of the day.
I don’t know what my grandmother said, but I can assume she was none to pleased about hearing those words come out of her teenage daughter’s mouth. And in all honesty, I am never exactly thrilled when I hear my mom say the word sex. Eew. Because I am really mature.
Well, people are funny about sex and they tend to be very vocal about it during two instances: when they don’t want you to do it because they don’t want you to get a disease or get pregnant and when they do want you to do it because they want you have a “healthy” marriage…and possibly get pregnant.
And the same people who told my grandmother that people only have sex around midnight must have told a lot of other people that parents who co-sleep never have sex.
“A child in the bed will ruin your marriage- and by marriage I mean your naked limbo time.”
“If you have a child in your bed you will never want to have sex because you will have a constant reminder of what happened the last time you danced the naked polka!”
“Your husband will end up on the couch and will curse your children…and he might be forced to go without the chitty chitty bang bang…THE HORROR!”
Because everybody knows that the only place you can have sex is in your own bed…which is why so many teens get pregnant, right? WRONG!
So where do co-sleepers “do it?”
I have created an illustration…no actually a map of places where co-sleepers can ride the bologna pony when the bed is not an option. And yes, I am sure my mother and father are so proud of me right now.
The dining room: Just disinfect the table before Thanksgiving…because that would be awkward.
The kitchen: Make sure all burners are off in order to prevent burning your buns.
The living room: There is never anything good on television anyways.
The office: Because shouldn’t some actual work get done in there from time to time?
The nursery?: Hey, somebody should get some use out of that overpriced room.
The bathroom?: Use this at your own risk. People fall in the showers alone while doing regular, normal shower shit. I can’t imagine the type of injuries that occur from parents playing two hand touch in there.
The garage: You could get in the car. Avoid the horn.
The backyard: Because why should your kids be the only ones allowed to run around naked back there?
So there you have it. No need to worry about those weird people who let their kids bunk in with them. We still get it on like Donkey Kong. Because I’m really mature.