The other day I read this article. It talked about how some women opt for having a c-section rather than attempting to give birth vaginally because they fear the pain. I read this and thought, “Seriously?” If you think about all of the silly crap that women, myself included, do for stupid reasons that causes pain it really doesn’t make sense. Bikini wax?
But I have heard all kinds of reasons for women willingly opting out of having a vaginal birth in favor for a cut in the gut. I think c-sections became less scary and actually appealing when celebrity replaced chihuahuas in purses with sections as the new rage.
and of course Angelina Jolie
These are only a few of a long list of celebrities that have opted for c-sections for various reasons; however, the lasting image that was left by these women publicly discussing their c-sections was that it made a cut to the gut sound sexy. I know that sounds silly, but it is true. Victoria Beckham even had that cheeky little phrase “too Posh to push” named after her. Like it or not, celebrities and their lives are a big part of modern society for a vast majority of women. And when women hear that Britney doesn’t want her “Britney” stretched by natural birth, it makes a lot of every day, young women think that they too should opt for a section.
Now I have had a c-section. On January 9, 2007 I had a c-section, and it changed me in about a million ways. I am sure I will write about it someday, but today is not that day. Today, I am here to make it perfectly clear that having a c-section is just not sexy and it doesn’t free you from pain.
Here’s my seven reasons to not opt for the cut in the gut.
1. It’s MAJOR FREAKING SURGERY! And it is not like a Grey’s Anatomy style surgery where everybody looks hot. It is a surgery where you where paper clothes, a stupid hat and shit all over your arm that makes you look like you fell off of the Enterprise.
2. SMELL MUCH?! I vividly remember trying to lay calmly on the operating table. I was taking deep breaths and focusing on the positive. And then my mom started to make this really weird face. And then I smelled “it.” I didn’t know what the hell “it” was, but I later was told it was the smell of my burning flesh. BURNING FLESH! Because nothing exudes sex quite like the smell of your belly being cauterized.
3. PUBLIC SHAVING! My c-section was an emergency c-section. Perhaps if somebody had told me that I was going to be having a c-section, I could have written to Dear Abby to ask about the proper lady landscaping required for such an operation. Yep, a nurse came in with a set of shavers that I am pretty sure they use on thick coated dogs, and she “shaved me downtown.” Did I mention that this was in a room full of people? Sexy, right?
4. Feeling Bloated?! When you get the cut to the gut, your gut then fills up with air. Lots of air. This can actually leave you looking more pregnant than you did prior to giving birth to your baby. Just what every pregnant woman wants, right? What could be sexier than not fitting in to your fattest maternity fat pants?
5. FART! FART! FART! So we already went over the whole being crazy bloated and ginormous after having a section. Well, guess what? All that air that your body has just consumed has to get out of your body somehow. You guessed it! I had a nurse regularly coming in to my room just to ask me how my “gas passing” was going. So picture this. You are holding your sweet baby, taking photos with family, and farting all over the place. I want to see Angelina make that one look sexy.
6. Z-Z-Z-IPPER! After you get that cut to the gut, they are going to have to close you up somehow. Now don’t worry, the stitches that you get will dissolve. You won’t have to worry about going through the discomfort of having your stitches ripped through a healed wound. Nope, but you will have to go through the pain of having staples ripped out one by one by a nurse with what looks like a staple remover on steroids. Sexy, huh?
7. Bloody Hell! I was one of the unfortunate women who experienced a hemorrhage minutes after my section. I was nursing my son when I felt a gush, yes an actual gush, of blood escape my body. I told the nurse, and she said that was normal, but within minutes I was feeling like I was going to pass out, close my eyes and never see the world again. I lost a ton of blood, and my husband recalls watching my doctor reach into me and yank out blood clots that were the size of tennis balls. He said the whole thing was very Saving Private Ryan. I spent that night getting two blood transfusions and not seeing my child until the next morning. At one point during it all, I asked my doctor if I was going to die, and he said that if I could just stop bleeding I would be fine. And I felt relieved because secretly I had been bleeding all over the damn place just to get some extra attention. No, in reality, the thought that this would be my first and last day with my son scared the shit out of me and was in no way worth this very “sexy” procedure.
I need to say this. If you have a condition where a section is truly the only option, then you of course must do what you need to in order to protect your baby and you. But if you are thinking about a c-section because you are worried about your lady parts being disfigured then, WHAT THE BLEEP IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOUR BABY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR HOO-HA. GROW UP! And if you are contemplating having a c-section because you don’t want to feel pain then…you are strongly mistaken. C-sections hurt. And they can mentally hurt you and scar you in ways that cannot be healed as easily as your forever scar.