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10 Reasons Why Breastfeeding Will Be On My Resume

Posted by on November 21, 2011

Job Description:

We are looking for a person who has the following skills:

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  1. Able to multitask.
  2. Able to follow a schedule.
  3. Flexible.
  4. Able to lift heavy objects.
  5. Able to work nights.
  6. Able to work under pressure.
  7. Cooperative.
  8. Able to negotiate.
  9. Able to persevere.
  10. Takes orders well.
Please leave a detailed response explaining your qualifications.
  1.  Multitask?  You don’t even know the meaning of the word.  I can take phone calls, type one handed, give directions and lactate.
  2. Follow a schedule? Sure, I make sure to rotate both breasts at each feeding.  And I rarely miss a feeding.
  3. Flexible?  Are you kidding?  I have four words for you.  I nursed a toddler.  I can get work done in positions that you can’t even imagine.  And parts of my body are so flexible they are practically elastic!
  4. Heavy lifting?  Please, I can carry something that weighs upwards of thirty pounds that kicks and screams.  Did I mention that I can carry this thing and feed it at the same time?
  5. Night shift?  Honey, my whole life is the night shift.  Dream nursing, anyone?
  6. Work under pressure?  Have you ever tried pumping?  Talk about being under pressure!
  7. Cooperative?  Piece of cake.  I have literally given up a part of my body just to keep another person happy.
  8. Negotiate?  I can usually come up with some pretty good deals.  One of my better ones went a bit like this, “You stop crying, and I will hand over the boobs.”
  9. Perseverance?  Have you ever nursed a newborn?  Had mastitis?  Worked out a clogged duct?  You don’t know the meaning of perseverance.
  10. Takes orders well?  Let me put it to you this way.  I have worked for a tiny dictator who was only interested in me for my body.  Most of my working days were spent with him gawking at my breasts.  I let the tiny dictator live in my home and sleep in my bed.  Trust me.  I can take orders, very, very, very well.
So you see, breastfeeding has basically prepared me for everything in life.
However, I don’t know if you can afford me.

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