We are looking for a person who has the following skills:
- Able to multitask.
- Able to follow a schedule.
- Able to lift heavy objects.
- Able to work nights.
- Able to work under pressure.
- Able to negotiate.
- Able to persevere.
- Takes orders well.
Please leave a detailed response explaining your qualifications.
- Multitask? You don’t even know the meaning of the word. I can take phone calls, type one handed, give directions and lactate.
- Follow a schedule? Sure, I make sure to rotate both breasts at each feeding. And I rarely miss a feeding.
- Flexible? Are you kidding? I have four words for you. I nursed a toddler. I can get work done in positions that you can’t even imagine. And parts of my body are so flexible they are practically elastic!
- Heavy lifting? Please, I can carry something that weighs upwards of thirty pounds that kicks and screams. Did I mention that I can carry this thing and feed it at the same time?
- Night shift? Honey, my whole life is the night shift. Dream nursing, anyone?
- Work under pressure? Have you ever tried pumping? Talk about being under pressure!
- Cooperative? Piece of cake. I have literally given up a part of my body just to keep another person happy.
- Negotiate? I can usually come up with some pretty good deals. One of my better ones went a bit like this, “You stop crying, and I will hand over the boobs.”
- Perseverance? Have you ever nursed a newborn? Had mastitis? Worked out a clogged duct? You don’t know the meaning of perseverance.
- Takes orders well? Let me put it to you this way. I have worked for a tiny dictator who was only interested in me for my body. Most of my working days were spent with him gawking at my breasts. I let the tiny dictator live in my home and sleep in my bed. Trust me. I can take orders, very, very, very well.
So you see, breastfeeding has basically prepared me for everything in life.
However, I don’t know if you can afford me.